Zaslow’s wedding was this year’s “A List Event” for “D List” people. The temple was littered with people who are barely celebrities: Dan LeBatard, Boog Sciambi, Jason Jackson, Stugotz, and the aforementioned Ethan Skolnick from The Sun-Sentinel. It was a veritable “who’s who” of nobodies. I was expecting Charles Bricker or Louis Aguirre to walk in at any moment.

The wedding itself was a shockingly first class affair. I was so very impressed with all elements of the wedding- from the service- to the cocktail hour- to the reception. It was all done with class. Speaking of the cocktail hour, it was the single greatest cocktail hour I have ever experienced at any wedding, including my own.

The biggest problem with cocktail hours is that people always skimp on the food. There’s always like 2 or 3 waiters walking around with trays of food… and then those trays are attacked by guests and the waiters retreat back to the kitchen, only to make another appearance 10 minutes later. And usually there’s a random vegetable table hidden in a corner. This was not the case at the Zaslow extravaganza.

The cocktail hour featured carving stations! A sushi bar! A fajita station! Waiters and waitresses walking around with NON-STOP hors d’oeuvres. Not only were there the traditional hors d’oeuvres like chicken, beef, etc. There was also the single greatest hors d’oeuvre I have ever feasted on in my life: mini grilled cheese sandwiches. You read right. Mini grilled cheese sandwiches. What a delicious addition to any party. I whole heartedly recommend that anyone throwing any sort of party add that delectable item to your menu.

The reception itself was top of line also. The band sounded great… The food was great… And the desserts were unbelievable. I really figured I’d leave that wedding and have fodder to make fun of Zas for months to come; but I don’t. Everything was perfect. Big props to Zas and Tamara for putting together a fine, fine event.

I’ve been married ten years now… Zas and Tamara just a few days. My message to those two is not to let all marriage “nay-sayers” like LeBatard tell you how terrible marriage is going to be. I love being married, and you two will love being married also. The important thing in any marriage is for the male to keep his pimp-hand strong. I keep a strong pimp-hand in my marriage, so therefore we have no problems. There are clearly defined roles in my house, as I am the leader and my wife is the good soldier. That’s the type of set-up you need to create, Zas. Trust me. Keep that pimp-hand strong. And Mazel Tov!

Margret Cho should be named “America’s representative comedian.”

Katie Holmes should be named “America’s representative actress.”

Jimmy Cefalo should be named “America’s represtentative play-by-play announcer.”

Bingo should be named “America’s representative game of chance.”

Peoria, Illinois should be named “America’s representative city.”

The Weekly World News should be named “America’s representative publication.”

George Bush should be… ahh, forget that one. Too easy.

Badminton should be “America’s representative sport.”

Ferrets should be “America’s representative pet.”

And this blog should be “America’s representative blog.”

I mean seriously. It’s the first regular season NFL game played in London, and we’re sending, possibly the worst team in NFL history? Can you imagine if in 1976 we sent the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to the UK for a game? We’d probably be at war with England right now because of it. Sending the Dolphins to London could have wide reaching global implications. Let’s just hope all the kind people in England don’t hold this against us too long. We need a strong ally in that part of the world.

Then I wonder what’s really going on in Wayne Huizenga’s head. He’s not the type of owner that’s going to question his coach or players. He’s not the kind of owner that’s going to rock the boat. He’s not the kind of owner that will say anything inflammatory in public. But what must be going on behind the scenes?

He has to be talking to his wife… or priest… or therapist… or someone, and saying, “I must be crazy to have put this team in the hands of Joe Bailey and Cam Cameron.” He HAS to be questioning the decisions that have been made over the past few years. He HAS to be wondering why Cam Cameron was splitting time between Ronnie Brown and Jesse Chatman, when it’s obvious now that Ronnie Brown is a true player. He HAS to be wondering why they drafted Ted Ginn number one and then never throw the ball to him. He HAS to be wondering why he keeps signing checks made out to Jason Allen. He has to be wondering why he’s paying Joey Porter 20 million dollars.

Wayne has to be pissed, right? There’s no way he can’t be questioning his organization from top to bottom. Wayne has to feel a little bad for Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas too.

So where do the Dolphins go from here? (Besides to 0-7, because they play the Patriots on Sunday.) I know we’re going to hear all the “safe” things from Cam Cameron and Joe Bailey and Wayne Huizenga. I know we’re going to hear all the “safe” things from Dom Capers and Cleo Lemon and Ted Ginn Jr. We’re even going to hear the New England Patriots talk this week about how they’re not taking the Dolphins lightly, because even though they’re 0-6, the Dolphins are a good team. We’re going to keep hearing all this stuff all season long… But I’d really love to know what’s going on behind the scenes. Because there’s no way everyone is “saying the right things” within the walls of the organization. You have to think there’s a lot of anger brewing within the walls of Dolphins headquarters.

So Chevy Chase comes back Saturday night to give his political commentary on Saturday Night Live and it just wasn’t funny. He looked old. He seemed uncomfortable. His constant mugging at the camera drove me crazy. I felt like the real Weekend Update anchors, Seth Myers and Amy Pohler had to have been cringing throughout the entire segment. It was painful.

I guess, much like athletes, there is a time when celebrities just need to “hang it up” and walk away. Chevy Chase may have been funny in the 70’s and 80’s, but he’s not funny today. Certain styles of humor just don’t last. Harvey Korman and Tim Conway were considered hysterical when they were on the Carol Burnett Show. I imagine that no one would even muster a little giggle if they were doing that stuff now.

I know; Who am I to tell Chevy Chase to hang it up? You’re right. That’s not my place. I’m just saying it was painful to watch a once funny guy really struggle in the place that he himself made famous. He’s Chevy Chase… And he’s not funny.

ON ANOTHER NOTE…

As long as I’m talking about TV… Check out “Kitchen Nightmares” on Fox. This is a delightful show. This nationally known chef, Gordon Ramsey, goes into restaurants that are failing and he turns them around. It’s a reality show, but it’s a great watch. He’s a complete asshole to the owners, the managers, the wait staff. It’s fun.

That’s my new TV season suggestion for you: Kitchen Nightmares.

Work it.

I have friends who worked for the Dolphins, and apparently Nick Saban had a rule that no Dolphins employee was to say hello to him or greet him EVER, unless he greeted them first. That’s not a joke; I’ve heard this story from more than one source. Old Godlike Nick Saban didn’t want to be bothered with actually talking to “the little people” around the Dolphins facilities, so they were forbidden from talking to him. So the hell with Nick Saban and Alabama. I will root against you always. How great has it been to see Saban lose two in row? How great is it to see the “conquering hero” falling on his ugly face? Please, for all that is holy, let Nick Saban be seen as the true fraud that he is.

But Saban and Alabama aren’t the only entities I find myself rooting against. I grew up in Chicago so I’ve always been a Bears fan. But, since I’ve been living in South Florida since 1988, I’ve started to feel an affinity towards the Florida teams. (The last couple of years I actually find myself rooting for The Marlins more than The White Sox. That’s shocking to me.) But I find myself rooting against the Dolphins ever since Saban took over. I thought I might start rooting for them again since Saban left, but I find myself rooting against them. Don’t know why. Don’t know where it comes from. It’s just there. I watch the games and something inside me is rooting against them. It probably comes from the organization putting out an inferior product, but still walking around with the arrogance that comes with having an undefeated season. Even if that season was THIRTY-FIVE years ago!

I didn’t like Daunte Culpepper when he was down here. I thought he was arrogant. I thought a big free agent “savior” like himself would try very hard to become a part of the South Florida community. I never saw any evidence of that. He didn’t do interviews. He didn’t make himself approachable. He didn’t seem like he really cared to become a part of the South Florida landscape. So I didn’t like him. But man did I find myself rooting for him on Sunday. I was cheering every time he stuck it up the Dolphins’ asses. And I couldn’t figure out why I was rooting for Daunte instead of the Dolphins, but I was. And it was fun.

It’s not just sports teams that I find myself rooting against. Sometimes I find myself rooting against celebrities. You know- celebrities that don’t seem to realize how lucky they are to have fame and fortune. Like David Caruso. How fucking lucky is that guy that he’s famous. And supposedly he’s a jackass. Well, fuck you David Caruso. I’m rooting against you.

And how about all these young Hollywood kids that inherited all that money? Paris Hilton and her sort. I root against them too. (Although, I must admit, if I was young and inherited all kinds of money, I’d probably be the biggest asshole you ever met. But, that didn’t happen, so I root against them.)

Who’s with me? Who should we be rooting against? Forget cheering for your favorites. Let’s root against people. I think it’s more fun.